Lets be honest folks we’ve all ben thinking it. Theirs literaly no other aspect of society beside’s Roethlisbergers basement where “no means no” is ignored more often. Listen if i want a god damn thin mint than i’ll walk into the store and buy it- last time i checked; this is America. A country founded upon morals, principals and elite quaterbacks where if you have a product to sell, you put it on the shelf, you do not harrass ppl until they order 10 cases of Samoas cause some 9 yr old wont take no for a answer. Folks if we allow our youth to learn themselves at this young a age to ignore the word no than when does itstop: you guessed it, cell block #9 unless u play qB for the stealers. Incouraging this type of behavior will only lead to bigger issues down the line and quite frankly i wont stand for it anylonger. If theyre’s one thing i learned from the Oscars last nite its that reverse rapism is alive and well: sad day in America folks./
Folks this might be a klee-shay but its true what they say- theyre really is no NFL offseason. Each day represents another compelling storyline, another conspiricy, or another police report that needs our undivided intention. This week is no different as we get to witness the specticle that has came to be nown as NFL Combo Weak wear we get to watch the up and comers work out in spandex for hours on end. Now its no seacret that since the Sandusky story broke i’ve sworn off my alma-matter Pen State and college football alltogether- totaly dead to me. HOWever this is the point in these young athleats lives where i now start paying attention: there first interview for the esteamed NFL live on Nashional Televison.
Now Just like everyother big NFL event here come’s some of my keys to victory for these aspiring underware models:
1. Speaking of Combos, i’d like to go on the record 2 state that my favorite Combo of All Time is the Arby’s #4 Combo; simply just cant despute the deliciosness of the Beef n’ Cheddar classic. Goes without saying this is allso my sons’ favorite to.
2. Speaking of Food, it resently came to my atention that there is a establishment by the name of Condiment opening up in Philly. Groundbreaking stuff folks: u get to mix your own conddiments into a mixsture of exactly what you want. Only problem with this is its been well-established that i have no idea what my taste buds are telling me- could be a language barrier, could be the brands im eating, or it could even be Supercells’ fault: who knows. Bottom line hear is that i am extremely pumped to mix together a nice blend of Hunt’s, French’s and maybee even some Fancy catsup since as we’ve previously discovered, all ketchups are exactly the same to me.
In conclusion we got a tad side-tract there but the point remains: these rookies better get there combo knowlege up or they will get eaten alive out their.
Sam Bradford will never succedd in the nfl with his current uniform. let’s taek a look at the facts hear:
A. no man has ever been a good leeder on the football feild with sleeves that look like he wants to be a wizard in harry potter.
2. just because u dress like the kicker dosent mean caleb sturjis cant still cost u the game, and
d. chip kelley can’t manage the game clock when he is to distracted trying to see the wind direction shown by bradfords’ sleeves. all facts
ppl forget that since nike started making nfl jerseys, sam bradford hasn’t won a playoff game, and neither has chip kely. before then it was all esteamed accolaids for b0th of them, including hiesmens, rookie of the years awards, and some important college bowl games so im told. then chip leaves oregon, wear the cEO of nike is a alumnis, and all in a sudden phil night is samatoging sams sleeves. makes u think- maybe chip should of just stayed in school.
Folks its not everyday that we get to experience a Allstar weekend innertwined with the release of the Album of the Universe in the same weekend. Now many of you may not know how i feel about Kanye west but guess what: prepare to be inlightened. This m̶a̶n̶ God is a true genius amongst meer mortals. Besides the fact that hes in debt $53MM and marry’d a ponrstar and is publically begging Zuckerburg for a bail-out and at 1st listen i couldn’t make it threw a single song on the album, he still managed to create the greatest albumm of all time 4 times in a row. Simply unstobbable.
Now as Far as PAyton Manning is concerned i just dont care. I like papa johns and sometimes budweiser and sometimes pizza and beer are just more impotent then if he combo-mooned-&-teabagged a trainer and teammate simultaniously. Folks ppl forget this happend 20 years ago and ppl should forget that. Hell if i was expected to act like a adult 20 years ago i’d be in alot of trouble two. If theirs one thing that Roger hitler Goodell has taught me is that if they’res no video than it simply did not happen. Just get back out on the feild and pump some HGH into that noodle arm and win me some damn fantisy points- literaly all it comes down too.
PSS i do real eyes that its been a few days since my last post: this is due too the fact that there was a epic blizzard in witch almost 3 full inches acummulated and i drive a Fiat.
Completely disregard my colum from yesterday as I somehow forgot this is actually my favorite weekend of the entire year. Ppl forget that. Anyway this weekend is literaly as good as sports watching weekends get folks- what more can you ask for then a Rising Stars/JV game, a dunk contest, a 3 point extravaganza , and finally Carmelo Anthonys’ House Party aka the all star game. If whoever the commisioner is had any sense he’d wake up and real eyes that he needs to me more like H̶i̶t̶l̶e̶r̶ Goodell and force LeBron to do the dunk contest once and for all but thats neither here nor hare. My main point hear is that i one day would like to take my furture family to NBA alls tar weekend- just a wholesome, safe good old-fashoned fun environmint for ppl of all backrounds to injoy. MAybe even get real crazy and road trip it in the Mini-Cooper with 3 daily stops at Arby’s or Taco Bell on the way: who knows. IMO this country honestly needs to learn to celebate this weekends festivitees alot more.- Make Alls tar Weekend Great Again America.
Seriosly what do we even watch now. Not only do I have to deal with the pain, suffering & embarrisment of my favourite team loosing on the biggest stage in the World, but now theirs just literally nothing to watch (except DVRs of Stephen A. Smith vs. Skip) all day long. Folks this time of the year is often referred to as the “Dead Zone” in the sports media lanscape, similar to when your driving on the highway and u dont pass a Arby’s for more than 10 miles- literally nothing to eat until minicamps start. Fortunitely this also coincides with the least dissappointing time of year for Eagles fans. After going back-to-back-toback Offseason Champs since the year 2011 when we aquired Nnamdi Asomooga, we have yet to be defeated in this time zone. Personaly I credit the one and only Howie Rosemen for this epic run of gold-standard-esque signings, tradings and cuttings. Folks ppl allways forget that since Chip took away GM powers from MR. Rosemen we have also obtained a new coach by the name of Doug Pedestrian- a man who loves Nick Foles almost as much as I love the #3 Combo from the aforementioned Arby’s. IF theirs one thing i’ve learned from my passion for this sandwich its that Dough Pederson will not rest until his craving for Nick Foles is satisfied. Thats right ladies & gentleman: prepare for The Return of The Rise.
SO last night when i was ignoring whatever was on TV and playing Clash of Clans i happened to look up at one piont and see a Cam Neuton commercial promoting Beets by Dre. Nothing new here ACCEPT for the fact that it accurred to me that “what is this commercial really telling me rihght now?” And the answer was telling: Beets weaken you’re immunity to the outside world. which explanes why Cam was so sensitive and walked off the pendulem during his post-loss Super bowl presser when he heard his apponent talking about him. PC pussification of America continues.
Now follks its no secret that im not a doctor or a rocket appliance but the perpindiculars here are just too strong to ignore. this is EXACTLY like how i red on the innernet that the over-prescribtion of anti-probiotics weakens you’re ammune system- goes both ways -if your allways blocking out the h8ers by putting on Beets Earmuffs, the second you take them off your more vulnerrable then ever. People forget things like this in the passed have become not only epidemics but transformered into pandemics and this could turn into something way worst- a Camdemic.
Well i’d be lying if i said this one doesn’t sting folks. Ron Riviera apparetnly didnt read ANY of my keys to victory so obviously this is the result. Now its well-documented that i dont reconize any superb owls as legitamite since the Eagles didn’t win any, HOWEVER this one seriously needs to be negated and the trophy needs to be handed back to mr. Lombardi himself. Hears why:
1. VON MILLER SHOULD NOT BE IN THE LEAGUE
Listen the fact that they named this criminal the MVP might be the most insulting slap in the face to the intelligents of us fans their has ever been. Not only did this convict endulge himself with the Devils’ Lettuce, but people forget that he tried to cheat the test and get out of the embarrassment of smoking the reefer in the first place. IMO smoking Marijuana is a illegal act enough to be thrown into jail for years, and when u expontetailly add in that he tryed to cheat the testing system -folks this man needs to be deported to Guantanamo ASAP.
Now if thats not enough evidents to convince you this Superb owl doesn’t count in the history books than your just a lost cause and not a American tbh. This country was founded upon morals, principals and elite quaterbacks and lets get real none of those things existed in that spectacle last night. Thank god Beyonce was there to redeem the entire night.
Well folks todays’ the big game so its only right that i provide the keys to a victory for my #1 and ##2 favourite players aka Cams newton and Josh Normin.
A. win by halftime
everyone nows that Carolinea is not a 2nd half team so it goes to show that if they win by hfalftime that should seal it.
2.give Cam the ball
this might seem like calm and cents however. IF he doesn’t get enough touches it just confirms that theyre coach is taking a page out of Chips Kellys’ playbook aka a racist.
D. Steal Payton’s HGH
look im no detective accept for when my friends call me Detective McPickles BUT it is no secret that Peyton’s taking HGH and using his wife as a escape goat. If Carolina intents to actually play to win they need to go the Belicheat route and get creative -this means stealing or replacing his HGH with papa johns’ sauce in pill form.